I just do not know if I can say this enough, if a kid who has experienced trauma is not ready to love or be loved you can not make them do it no matter what you do. There is not enough therapy in the world, not enough modifications made to the home and family, you can not give them enough "stuff", or care about their well being enough. You can not stop the manipulating, lying, stealing, hoarding, meltdowns, or any of the rest of their fake (the world is all about me ) behavior. Every member of the family will get trampled by this kid. It tares some families apart. For our family, the other nine of us have grown closer together. We want and need to be a united front, we want to celebrate life together, and yes, we really do love one another. You can love them, but they will not return it. you can provide for all of their physical needs and some of of what they want as well. You can not take their hurt away. That is something that they have to want to do for themselves. Then and only then, you can begin to work on the relationships of honesty, caring for themselves and others. and giving back to those who give so much of themselves for them. They will decide when they want to have a family and for many of them they will never choose to do so.
I wish there was a little bit of pixie dust to sprinkle and make things better, but I can`t do that. We as a family have done EVERYTHING for the kid. We will keep on doing what we have been doing and let the chips fall where they will. We are not going to take on the responsibilities of doing more because more is not better in this situation. If she is ever ready to risk being loved her family will be ready to give it to her.