Thursday, July 29, 2010

13 Today

Today Hanna turns 13 so now she is a real teenager, look out world here she comes! Twelve was no picnic, for that matter the past three years have been a rather scary roller coaster ride with this kid. We have had a bit of a lull in the action this summer and goodness knows I hope it lasts forever, but being realistic I am pretty sure that she will provide plenty of adventure ahead.

We will celebrate very little today just because that is all she can handle, especially since we are going camping for the weekend. The gifts are pajamas and coloring and puzzle books from Mom, Dad, and the kids. Jared got her a Guess Who game, mainly because he wants to play it and it gives them something to do when he watches her. We will have tater-tot hot dish (her favorite) and ice cream with Reece's Pieces ( I will pass on those) for dinner tonight.

My birthday wish for Hanna today is for her to find happiness being the adorable bubbly, brown eyed, wonder we broght into our family five years ago. That is all I want for her just to be happy.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Baker

Well we may be down to one PCA, (Karre) along with Mom and Dad for the camping trip this weekend. Jared just got hired as a pastry chef at some fairly fancy restaurant/bake shop in a beautiful city on the banks of the St. Croix River. This is what he has been waiting for since last fall when he graduated from school. He called and told us that they want him there at 2:30 tomorrow afternoon, but he does not know how long he needs to be there so we will be waiting for him to call us when he has a better idea what is going on. We can handle the little, not so litte ones on our own if need be. Jared wants to bake so we will not get in his way.

Good luck Mr. Baker!!

Another Headache

I just found out that I have another headache to deal with here. Lauren has impacted wisdom teeth, the dentist wants them out and so do I, but the new policy for MA is that they will not pay for removing them until there is a crisis. Like how crazy is this.

They are paying to have her teeth straightened out, yet they are willing to leave the mess in her mouth to wreck all of the work that is being done so they will have a huge bill to deal with.

Lauren is not going to be able to tell when she is in pain until it is far to late to deal with.

The only way they are going to fix the problem is if she needs to be admitted through the emergency room with a life threatening infection. This means that she would not get treatment at the specialized hospital that knows what they are doing when it comes to working with persons who have special needs.

Really does this kid need any more medical issues to deal with here? This mom will have to add an appeal to the list of things to get done this week, oh and by the way they have no time table for a response.

This is the kind of stuff that I deal with ALL THE TIME! This is why I have a hard time convincing myself that I should advocate for other families to adopt these very difficult kids. Let me say here it is not the kids who cause me to shudder when the subject of adoption comes up it is trying to get them what they need to function to the best of their ability, to live safely in their homes with their families, and give support to those families.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

On The Go

This is one of those weeks where I spend the days running from one thing to another. Yesterday I took Paul to the U of M for his ophthalmology appointment. He is doing great, his surgeon is very pleased with the results, and best of all he does not need to be seen for six months.

Today Lauren had to get to braces on her bottom teeth. Hanna had to have her mouth rearranged as usual. We are six weeks away from the first surgery scheduled on her mouth. I am both looking forward to getting this process started and dreading having to deal with the kid who is not going to handle this well at all. We also had some work done on Lauren`s AFO`s so that maybe they will quit causing skin breakdown on her foot.

Tomorrow I have haircuts scheduled for three kids and I am going to take them out for pizza.

Thursday I have to get everything packed for our camping adventure this weekend, yes,
we are going camping with some other families who also have adopted kids with special needs. These are amazing people who we have the privilege to hang out with. They totally understand when we have to keep to the routine, tone things down, when kids go bonkers, and that we always have to be flexible and ready to change course in an instant. It will be a blast.

It is one of those weeks where I have so much to do and so little time to do it in, but I have to weekend to look forward to at the end.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Apple Pie

Jared was home this weekend, as he is most of them, since he has to work as a PCA here, (his other job alone will not pay the bills). We are more then happy to have the help because without it we would not and could not take all 4 of the kids any where or do anything. They all need to much one on one time for that. Anyway he went to the Golden Arches and bought apple pies for himself and all of his siblings. They all appreciated the treat, mom never buys that junk for them. Everyone ate their pies except Hanna who decided that she wanted to save her`s for breakfast.

Okay, save yours but what kind of game are you trying to play with this one? Hanna is a kid who would have eaten that whole bag of pies if they had been left unattended at all. Well she had decided that she wanted cookies for a snack instead of what everyone was having so that she could have both the cookies and the pie. When Jared told her it was pie for a snack or nothing, you guessed it, she went nuts so she ended the evening without getting anything.

Jared ate her pie for a midnight snack. No issue there because she can not remember what went on the day before and she has no clue that she got nothing.

Friday, July 23, 2010


I am toast and it isn`t even lunch time yet. It is Dad`s birthday so we were going to have cake today and go do something fun tomorrow since it is a work day today. Hanna got wind of the plans and has now gone bonkers.

She lied to me and has been throwing things at me, but that is nothing new.

She was told to pick up the toys so of course she just had to pick up the ones that Paul was playing with, the ones he always plays witch we never put away. That sent him into a screaming fit so she decided to throw the toys down the stairs, more holes in the wall, just great maybe we should just eliminate that one anyway. After being told that she needed to bring those toys back upstairs she decided to pound her little brother to bits. I had to send Karre upstairs with Paul, Allen, and Lauren to keep them safe. I just let her trash the place after that.

Finally she proceeded to make Karre cry because she can NEVER BEHAVE OR ACT LIKE A REAL KID!. That is totally true the kid always sabotages everything we matter what it is. I totally agree with Karre there are days when I have had enough of all this fake, sweetness, cute, perfectness in public and then coming home and being angry, crazy, rude, mean, and very often dangerous. As Karre says, she has not seen the real kid for three years now and she has had enough.

I need to get some groceries so I think my shopping partner will be Karre today, we both need a break from this nonsense.

By the way "Happy Birthday, Dad", you have know idea how peaceful you have it at work today.


Paul is the kind of kid who tells it like it is, no beating around the bush at all.

He and the docker (doctor) had a conversation a few days ago about Ernie and his hubber ducky (rubber ducky).

He watches The Mickey Mouse Cubs House (Mickey Mouse Club House).

We watch the Tins (Twins) play baseball.

He also tells his speech therapist on a regular basis that he do need no peach (speech).

The kid is just too cute for his own good. He still has many speech issues, but has come far beyond anything we could have ever hoped for so in a few weeks when he starts kindergarten he will no longer be going to speech therapy. He will have some time scheduled during the school day. He does not know that yet, however.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Many Changes

Our little guy or as he is known around here, the baby is growing up quickly. That would be a very normal state of affairs for a five and a half year old. Some of the changes are, however are due to changes in medications rather than physical maturity.

When Paul came to our family at two he was on a seizure medication which was controlling the seizures, however it was also controlling him. He was sleeping or in a daze eighteen to twenty hours a day. We had to be sure the seizures remained under control yet he needed to be more alert in order to make progress at meeting his milestones. He then was switched to a different seizure medication which still kept the seizures away and he woke up. He was a busy little guy, into everything, walking, running, climbing, and best of all learning lots of things.

Last December Paul`s doctors decided that he was doing well enough and they wanted to try and take him off all of his seizure medications. This was a very long, slow, process. It was a little bit scary watching him, hoping and praying that he would not have a seizure. He did not have any so he was medication free, Ya Hoo! The doctors told us that we would have a pretty good idea of what his true behavior was going to be in four to six months. At that point we were no longer so thrilled with him being off the seizure medications as he was making everyone just a little crazy.

We saw it FASD/TBI in action medication free. He had impulse control of zero, attention span about ten to fifteen seconds, loud, very loud, he absolutely had no awareness of self or anyone who happened to get it his way, he was not afraid of jumping off things that were far to high for hm or climbing way to high, he did not like to wear his shoes and would not wear most of his clothes, and he would be talking to you and change the subject in mid sentence. Just watching him like this was exhausting, very exhausting. I can not even begin to imagine what it must be like to be the kid who functions like this all the time.

I took him to the pediatrician because I was not going to let him start kindergarten like this. He has many, many issues and will have enough trouble as it is so I want him functioning at his best from day one. We discussed many medications to get him on track and in the end we chose Vyvanse.

I have a new kid now!!! I have caught myself more then once just watching him. He still gets off track at times and is no where near acting like an average almost kindergartner, but he is doing sssoooooo much better.

He can watch a half hour TV show all the way through without running off, yelling. or bothering someone else.

He can sit on his behind, at the dinner table, for the entire meal. ( He does not eat much which is a side effect from this medication), but at least he can sit at the table.

He can find and play with his toys for up to forty-five minutes at a time.

He can sit still long enough to practice writing his name.

He can pay attention long enough to pick our an outfit, and help to dress himself without running off half dressed.

He is much easier to calm and redirect.

For this kid medication is absolutely needed in order for him to reach his full potential in life and that is what we are working towards, allowing him to be the best that he can be. I am truly thankful that there are medication available to help in the process.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Ahoy Matey

Trevor is a Residence Hall Assistant (RA). This is his third school year in that position. A part of the job is to make door decorations. Lets just say that he does not get to excited about doing this portion of the job. Karre and I have sort of taken over the task for him. They have a pirate theme going to welcome the students to school this fall so we made 50 of these banners for him. Paul says they are pretty and scary. We have mice, feet, and airplanes done as well. We are on a roll with this. If he wins the best decorations contest as he did last year he gets extra days off during the school year and he will be able to come home early for Christmas or Easter. We will be glad to do the decorating as long as he keeps the students safe and sober. His boss says he does a very good job of that, but with a guy who is about 6` 4" that, knows the rules, isn`t afraid to follow them, and plays favorites with no one things tend to go pretty smoothly.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Hot And Bothered Hanna

Yesterday it was hot and very humid out and I had kids who needed to go outside and run for awhile. I told them to get their swimsuits on and go out to the back yard. Lauren, Allen, and Paul were ready in no time. Allen was swinging and I was not going to be able to get him to stop and come in the shade so I moved the sprinkler around so that it was spraying him. He was having a great time. Lauren filled the bucket with water and dumped it on my feet several times and then she sat with me in the shade on the deck. Paul had cars and trucks out there. He was driving them through the sprinkler (the shower as he calls it).

Hanna decided that she was not going to come out and join us so Dad stayed inside to keep track of her while he also assisted Jared in fixing the bathroom faucet.

After about forty-five minutes outside I went in and got a couple of pop- sickles for each of the kids who were out there playing. No one is ever allowed to eat pop- sickles inside because it makes such a mess. Well when she saw the pop- sickles Hanna decided that she wanted to have her share so she got her swimsuit on in a jiffy and came demanding to have some too. I explained that the treat was for kids who had made a good choice and come out to play and since she had chosen not to do so she was not going to get any. She then proceeded to take a bucket, fill it with water and throw it on Allen from behind as he was swinging. He thought she was hilarious, the more he laughed at her the angrier she got.

Okay that was a very easy way to send her into craziness complete with screaming, spitting, and hitting, but she is not allowed to manipulate us so she was not going to be allowed to win this battle.

Will she make a better choice next time? I do not think so but you never know a miracle could be on the horizon. I can hope so at least.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

GPS Round 2

This week I am confronted with this issue for the second time in less then three months. It is one that just bothers me to no end. A professional would rather provide Hanna with a GPS system then the support services which she REALLY needs. Hanna needs an external brain.

"We will get her a GPS and then she can be on her own just like other kids her age". That is exactly how she put it.

This is wrong and will fail on so many levels that I do not have the time nor energy to list them all but here are a few of the reasons that cause concern.

Hanna is a nearly 13 year who functions at the level of a 4 to 5 year old in most areas, in some however she is far below that level. Would anyone ever expect someone who functions at that level to be able to go out into the world alone?

A GPS is not going to keep her from being picked up by strangers, raped, or worse. It is not going to keep her from sexually assaulting someone else either. This kid is very inappropriate in this area.

It is not going to keep her from getting lost. She can not even find the school which is about two blocks from home and we have walked there many times.

She will lose the GPS system either by accident, as she can not remember where she puts anything, or on purpose when she gets mad and does not want to be found. Unless it is surgically implanted it will be gone in no time. We are not going to implant such a device because it does not do her any good.

Their idea is to put the GPS on a cell phone. This kid CAN NOT under any circumstances be left alone with a phone. She will be doing all sorts of inappropriate things with that. I have no intention of being hit with bills for the crazy stuff she does and as her parents we are ultimately responsible for whatever she does.

A GPS is not going to help her make good choices along the way. She has the worst idea about who and what is appropriate. She can be talked into doing anything if she views you as a friend.

I am not being an over protective parent here. I do understand that when kids get to this age they are capable of riding their bike across town to the pool or to hang out with a friend. They can go to the store or attend a school activity on their own. I am the mom of four kids who have gone through this phase is life successfully. I did worry about them and all of that, but I could trust that they would pretty much follow the plan and return home safely. Hanna can not do that at all. She can not figure out what to wear in the morning, find something to do with her time without directly being told what to do, or toilet and wash her hands independently without direct supervision. How on earth can she full fill a task with multiple steps on her own.

Will this come up again? I am sure it will since in this professional`s view this is a way to save lots of money and money speaks very loudly around here. Is this kid`s safety and well being worth the money saved? Will Dad and I consent to a GPS for Hanna? Not unless it is provided in conjunction with the services she needs, not instead of them.

A GPS will only do one positive thing in this situation. It would help us locate her if/when she took off, but that is only IF all of the pieces happen to have fallen in place when she does it.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

As The World Turns

We had a bit of a soap opera here this morning. Hanna went down to the play/therapy room and stayed down there all morning, by herself except for me keeping an eye on her. She fiddled with this and that and never really did anything. I told her I was going up to figure out something for lunch and she did not respond at all. I sent Allen down there to tell her it was time to eat and still no response. I do not drag kids to the table, if they do not come then they just do not eat, so we sat down to eat and were nearly finished before she showed up sobbing.

No kidding, she was all out sobbing about "what will happen to the people on the round thing when it stops".

I finally figured out that she was talking about the earth spinning and what would happen if it stopped. I have no idea where she came up with this. By the time I had figured out what she was talking about Dad had come home from work and of course he had to be a wise acre and tell her that all of the people would die. Thanks a lot Dad! Now she is going completely nuts because she does not want the people to die.

She has not yet figured out that we all live on the earth and we would be the people who would die if it stopped. I have made it clear to everyone here that we do not need any more sarcastic remarks on the subject for the time being. She is providing enough drama as it is.

Now we will all be going downstairs soon as there is a tornado watch "it`s just a watch" for now. We do not need any weather issues to create even more drama today.

Monday, July 12, 2010

A Long Road Ahead

In the fall of 1968 (that makes me really old) I entered the second grade in a very small K-12 school. Our class had 35 students and we were the very very large class, as most of them had 18=25 students. At any rate we were a force to be reckoned with with lots of boy power as the boys out numbered girls 3 to 1. Our class gained a new kid when class began that fall as Jimmy, a shrimp of a kid, with strawberry blond hair, and blue eyes joined us. His appearance was not anything special since almost everyone was of Scandinavian decent blond hair and blue eyes dominated. What made Jimmy different was the fact that he and his older brother Joe had been adopted that summer by a couple whose biological child had been killed in a tragic accident three years earlier.

Jimmy was the kid who chewed his pencils to bits, could not sit still at all, and rarely finished his work. We sat with our desks in groups of three or four and Jimmy always sat with the two quietest, calmest kids in the class.

In the fourth grade, while the teacher left the room to take a phone call some of the boys told Jimmy to jump out the window because they wanted to see if she would notice his absence. (like how could she not notice the hyper kid was gone)? She did notice and Jimmy got in trouble.

We started band in fifth grade and Jimmy played the trumpet. He was an excellent trumpet player. Jimmy would often come to school late, but sure enough he would get there in time for band.

In seventh grade we had an art teacher,a young blonde chick, fresh out of college and the boys were bent on making her life a nightmare. They talked Jimmy into hiding her keys in the bottom of a fifty gallon barrel full of clay. She did not find those keys for four days.

When we were Freshmen Jimmy got talked into bringing a skunk to school and turning it loose in the building. We all got a four day vacation because of the stink. Jimmy got suspended from school for two weeks. He didn`t mind being out of school at all, but his parents were at a loss as to what to do with him.

Jimmy and I ended up being lab partners for chemistry when we were juniors. It was a very long semester. Jimmy was pretty good at helping with the experiments as long as we worked slowly. He was clueless when it came to writing the mathematical equations and getting the results of things down on paper.

Jimmy graduated with the rest of us. I think the school pretty much just moved him along since no one knew quite what to do with him. He was bright enough in many ways, but in others he just could not figure things out. He was a really sweet kid who did not understand math, did not like school other then band, and got talked into doing every stupid thing possible. His parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had at the time. As an adult Jimmy was in and out of jail many times before he got his act together. About ten years ago he got a job in a factory where he still works. He has a wife and a teenage son. Jimmy`s mom wrote an article for a small town newspaper a short time ago, telling Jimmy`s story and how Fetal Alcohol Syndrome has affected his life.

I am the adoptive mom of kids like Jimmy who are greatly affected by FASD. I am grateful that my kids have a diagnosis so that we can work on getting them services that will hopefully make life different for them. I know that they will still have issues. There are many people in the world who still do not understand what FASD is all about so as the parent of these kids I find myself having to educate along the way. I find that advocating for them is much more difficult then advocating for other disabilities. There is still a long road ahead,because like Jimmy`s parents we still do not have all the answers, we do know a great deal more then they did. Maybe some day because we as parents have done everything we can do to give our kids what they deserve, with the knowledge we now have someone else will not have to fight these battles in the future. Preventing FASD is the ultimate goal, but as long as there are people living with it we need to keep advocating, learning, and moving forward toward a brighter future for them. All of the Jimmy`s of the world are worth saving even though it is very hard work.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

A Day At The Lake

Jared and Allen had a water fight. Allen seemed to think it was the greatest thing to get his big brother wet. They threw water at each other for a long time.

Angie and Andrew came along. Andrew loved the lake and having all hands on deck (4 PCA`s) for the day makes things go so much smoother.

Cousin Nicole and Paul filled the buckets with sand many times and then Paul had to load the sand into the dump trucks and haul it away.

Lauren was really working hard to get rocks into this bucket for Alex, her eight year old cousin who thinks he needs to drag all of them home and save them. His mom was perfectly okay with the fact that Lauren is not very good at collecting rocks from the water.

Paul was excited to spend time swimming with his big sister Rene` who drove down from North Dakota to spend the day with us.

We spent a day packing to go to the lake. We had a terrific time with grandma Uncle Dave, Aunt Kris, and the cousins. We ate lots of great picnic food. We had more then we needed, but that is always the way it goes. The kids got to go tubing and ride in the boat. Karre spent a lot of time helping Uncle Dave take kids tubing. Everyone went swimming and visited by the lake for many hours. Rene`, Karre, and Trevor had a nice texting conversation so he joined us from Washington DC, too. Then we headed home with wet, dirty, cranky kids. It was worth the end of the day crash as everyone had had a great time. Hanna even went tubing before she decided that she no longer wanted to hang out with the rest of us. We just let her sit over there and pout as no one was going to join in her effort to crash the party. These are the days that make summertime so much fun in Minnesota.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Good Ole Summertime

It has been damp, humid, and raining off and on for the past few days so have not spent to much time outside. The sun came out this morning and it is going to be a gorgeous summer day here. I put clothes on the line. I picked tomatoes for the first time this season and will keep picking them until it freezes hard this fall. There are several cucumbers that will be ready to pick in a couple of days. Now we will be eating vegetables at every meal. Yesterday we had fresh raspberries on ice cream, it was so good.

All of the kids are doing pretty well, although Hanna needs every minute of every day with something specific to do. She has inherited several chores around here to keep her out of trouble.

We are going to the lake this weekend so I will be running to get groceries for that. I also have to get a new printer since ours has totally died and the repairman informed me that it would cost a lot more to fix the broken one then it would to just replace it. The printer had to die in the middle of a major project that Karre and Rene` have been working on for one of Rene`s classes. Now why couldn`t it wait until a time when it would not be needed for a few days? I guess maybe as Karre informed me, it is because that never happens around here.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

One Thread At A Time

Two of our kids get really obsessed with certain things and generally that does not bother me as their obsessions are harmless.

Paul is totally obsessed with cars and trucks and anything else that has a motor, but cars and trucks are what really gets him gong. We have used this obsession to teach him many concepts including colors, counting, size, in front of, behind, inside and out, etc. He lines the cars up and sorts them for hours and he gives them all names. I can handle the cars, no problem.

Hanna sorts things, books, crayons and pencils, clothes, hangers, etc. She also hoards tags from clothes, school papers, contraband, and food. I can pretty easily put up with all of this except for the food hoarding and we have put a stop to that by locking everything up.

She now has come up with a new thing that just about makes me crazy. She is taring the hems out of her clothes, both the t-shirts and shorts. After she gets the hem out then she is destroying them one thread at a time. She has been taking the threads and putting them in her drawer with the hair she pulls out of her head to hoard.

Since I am not much of a sewing expert, I can put buttons back on and patch small holes but that is about all I care to do, it could get rather expensive to pay someone to re-hem these things or to purchase new ones to replace them. Even if I did that she would take them apart again.

I have no idea how I am going to get her to stop doing this. Even though she is supervised all day long she still has free time all night and short of sitting in her room with her there is nothing we can do to stop this. Someone suggested taking all of the clothes away except for the ones she is wearing but she will pull them apart while wearing them and I do not think she honestly cares if she has clothes on or not. Given the chance she would wear the same thing for weeks without even changing them to be washed. We tried this experiment once where we just let her wear what she wanted and after five days in a row without changing and no shower it was just to disgusting and I made her clean up. Now she has to shower every day and I make sure she has a complete set of clean clothes on.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

4th Of July

We missed the parade because the weather could not decide if it should rain or not, but Rene` and Paul did go to the park to get some copcorn (popcorn).

Jared was being the great big brother and sharing his playing with fire talents with Paul. They also got Jared`s dog Molly all worked up.

Lauren was working hard at the pool on Saturday afternoon. Paul wanted to swim with Mom, but he really did not want to get wet. Allen spent the entire time splashing everyone and Hanna was trying to dunk Karre.

For most of our family this holiday weekend was spent at home in small town American style. We grilled some great things to eat, had salad, and desert pizza and a whole lot of other stuff, too. We played some patriotic music and most of all enjoyed spending time together. The grand finale will be the fireworks which Dad, Rene`, and Karre have just left to see. I have four kids in bed and I hope they all stay there so I can soon join them.

One very lucky member of our family got to spend the holiday in our nation`s capital. Trevor is working as an intern there and was able to get tickets to celebrate at a private party on the capital lawn. Karre just talked with him on the phone and he said it was really awesome.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Weekend Is Underway

The older kids have made it home, at least the ones that are going to get here, so our weekend has officially begun. We will enjoy our time together and try to do some things that are not is the usual routine. At the same time we will be balancing Hanna behavior.

I really do not care how nuts she gets I am going to enjoy my time with the rest of the family.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

All About Me

We have eight kids seven of them understand love, how to show it and how to accept it. The eighth kid is another matter altogether, you guessed it, the kid with attachment issues is the one who can not figure it out.

Kids will come to ask for advise when they do not know what to do, not Hanna she never asks for advice because according to her, she knows what she is doing all the time. The trouble is she would get into a lot less trouble if she would get some advice and make some good choices.

Kids come to mom or dad when they are hurt or are not feeling well, but not her she just ignores the problem until it is so bad that we need to head to urgent care.

Kids get new shoes, a toy, or game and say thank you and really are glad that you got something for them. Hanna will always find something wrong with whatever it is you get for her, no matter what it is. It is the wrong color, size, shape, she did not want to go to that movie, she wanted another one instead, and on and on and on.

Kids will help someone out or do something for someone just because, but not her. She will not do anything unless there is something in it for her. Could you just pick up those two wrappers laying there. She will not do it unless she is bribed. She is a super worker when there is money involved but does nothing for free. She is always looking for the payoff.

Kids will come and give me a hug and ask how my day is or tell me that I look nice after I have gotten my hair done, not her. She would not hug anyone, she goes nuts when you try to show any type of affection towards her.

She is the kid who is hiding somewhere making a mess of something and only shows up when she wants something to eat, wants to go some place, or wants you to give her something. The rest of the time she would not even acknowledge your presence.

I guess the "what`s in it for me" is getting very tiring here. I am tired of giving and getting NOTHING in return from this kid, the one who thinks that the world owes her everything. That is just not the way it is.