Every single morning those are the first two words out of Hanna`s mouth, "I`m not doin nothin".
Really could we just have a "good morning" or "hi, Mom"? I guess not. It is always the same thing and no matter what anyone says to anyone else around here she has to chime in with "it wasn`t me, I didn`t do it, or "I don`t know what you are talking about".
I guess I need to forget about being the cheerful morning mom at least with that kid.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
FAS/TBI
This bit of alphabet soup FAS/TBI is giving my brain a good workout this morning.
The school came up with a plan for kindergarten for Paul and for the most part I agree with it, but I did not sign it because I wanted to take him to his ophthalmologist appointment first since I had some questions that I felt they could answer for me. The questions were answered. The bottom line is that Paul no longer has a vision issue which he did have due to his TBI. These issues in the past have qualified him for services from a low vision teacher. He no longer needs her which is absolutely wonderful, however many of the things that we have been using in this area work very well in dealing with his other issues.
You might think that he is visually impaired because when he watches TV he stands right there in front of it. This is not because he can not see it from a distance it is because he needs to zone in and keep everything else out of the way in order to pay attention on what he is doing.
You may also think that he has a hearing problem, which he does not, it is just that his brain is not able to tell him how or when to be quiet.
Anyway on the plan they have his primary disability being TBI which causes developmental delays, impulsiveness, poor judgement, sensory issues, etc. He also has FAS which cause all of these same issues, and this is nowhere at all on this plan. The question is do I go along with leaving the plan as it is with TBI as the diagnosis, get it switched to FAS, or insist that both FAS/TBi be listed as the primary diagnosis?
He would be able to get the services he needs by just listing TBI and the school understands this diagnosis and is willing to work with it.
If I try to get it changed to FAS then I am working at trying to get them to work with an issues that certainly is not well understood and there are many school people who just will not deal with it at all, some of them do get it and are very good at dealing with it.
If I use both FAS/TBI then all of the possible issues are being covered. This seems to me to be the best fit and it may be useful in getting services for him down the road. The problem is that school feels that there is one primary diagnosis and everything else is secondary. Well, what did more harm to the kid, the mom who consumed alcohol throughout the pregnancy or the dad who kicked the baby in the head with a steel-toed boot, at three months of age? In my opinion the damage that was done is equal and has life long ramification for the kid so they should both be primary diagnosis. Neither the FAS or the TBI are going to go away.
Have I completely confused anyone yet? My brain is working pretty hard trying to figure out what to do here.
The school came up with a plan for kindergarten for Paul and for the most part I agree with it, but I did not sign it because I wanted to take him to his ophthalmologist appointment first since I had some questions that I felt they could answer for me. The questions were answered. The bottom line is that Paul no longer has a vision issue which he did have due to his TBI. These issues in the past have qualified him for services from a low vision teacher. He no longer needs her which is absolutely wonderful, however many of the things that we have been using in this area work very well in dealing with his other issues.
You might think that he is visually impaired because when he watches TV he stands right there in front of it. This is not because he can not see it from a distance it is because he needs to zone in and keep everything else out of the way in order to pay attention on what he is doing.
You may also think that he has a hearing problem, which he does not, it is just that his brain is not able to tell him how or when to be quiet.
Anyway on the plan they have his primary disability being TBI which causes developmental delays, impulsiveness, poor judgement, sensory issues, etc. He also has FAS which cause all of these same issues, and this is nowhere at all on this plan. The question is do I go along with leaving the plan as it is with TBI as the diagnosis, get it switched to FAS, or insist that both FAS/TBi be listed as the primary diagnosis?
He would be able to get the services he needs by just listing TBI and the school understands this diagnosis and is willing to work with it.
If I try to get it changed to FAS then I am working at trying to get them to work with an issues that certainly is not well understood and there are many school people who just will not deal with it at all, some of them do get it and are very good at dealing with it.
If I use both FAS/TBI then all of the possible issues are being covered. This seems to me to be the best fit and it may be useful in getting services for him down the road. The problem is that school feels that there is one primary diagnosis and everything else is secondary. Well, what did more harm to the kid, the mom who consumed alcohol throughout the pregnancy or the dad who kicked the baby in the head with a steel-toed boot, at three months of age? In my opinion the damage that was done is equal and has life long ramification for the kid so they should both be primary diagnosis. Neither the FAS or the TBI are going to go away.
Have I completely confused anyone yet? My brain is working pretty hard trying to figure out what to do here.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Bits Of What`s Up
Only two more days in this crazy, marathon of a month of running. It has been just that, totally crazy. I think we have gotten quite a bit done but since there is always something else to do we never really catch up. Looking at the schedule for next month things settle down considerably.
I have made 11 trips to the metro area, and one to Rochester this month. I know where all of the construction is happening along the way. Actually it is not to bad considering that it is April and road construction is always in full swing in Minnesota by now. I also have a mileage ledger that has to get turned in to the county that is staggering to say the least.
Paul went to the U of M today and his eyes are doing super, in fact so super that now I am going to have to go argue with the school to make some major changes in his IEP, sigh. All I need is just a little cooperation here, please.
Hanna told her dad that she has lied to us 100 times and she is not going to do it any more because she gets mixed up when she counts past 100. Never fear she still lies just fine. She also told us that she has NEVER stolen anything from school, her friends are putting all of that stuff in her backpack and jacket pockets. Nice friends she has. It that had happened once it might be believable but not almost every day.
Hanna`s class has 3 field trips scheduled for the next two days, yeah April 29th and 30th. She is not going on two of them. No one seems to see any problem with 3 of these things in 2 days. It must just be a crazy mom thing I have here.
Paul had gotten a small box of animal crackers for a snack on the way home today. When we got here he was so excited to give Dad something he had gotten for him, his empty animal crackers box. Dad has a treasure to recycle when the little guy gets to busy to notice.
I have made 11 trips to the metro area, and one to Rochester this month. I know where all of the construction is happening along the way. Actually it is not to bad considering that it is April and road construction is always in full swing in Minnesota by now. I also have a mileage ledger that has to get turned in to the county that is staggering to say the least.
Paul went to the U of M today and his eyes are doing super, in fact so super that now I am going to have to go argue with the school to make some major changes in his IEP, sigh. All I need is just a little cooperation here, please.
Hanna told her dad that she has lied to us 100 times and she is not going to do it any more because she gets mixed up when she counts past 100. Never fear she still lies just fine. She also told us that she has NEVER stolen anything from school, her friends are putting all of that stuff in her backpack and jacket pockets. Nice friends she has. It that had happened once it might be believable but not almost every day.
Hanna`s class has 3 field trips scheduled for the next two days, yeah April 29th and 30th. She is not going on two of them. No one seems to see any problem with 3 of these things in 2 days. It must just be a crazy mom thing I have here.
Paul had gotten a small box of animal crackers for a snack on the way home today. When we got here he was so excited to give Dad something he had gotten for him, his empty animal crackers box. Dad has a treasure to recycle when the little guy gets to busy to notice.
Monday, April 26, 2010
How Do You Make A Mess From Nothing?
I have just finished cleaning rooms (usually they do their own but I needed to go through the clothes and get rid of some that are trashed or to small). I have a young lady here, Hanna who has a room that is pretty much empty because her behavior has made it necessary to go that route.
She has climbed up to the top shelf in the closet and rolled almost all of the clothes into a very large ball and tied them together with knots. She will be taking this apart when she gets home. Her dresser is empty except for one pair of PJ`s which she tied to the knob.
I just do not know how someone can make such a mess out of nothing.
She has climbed up to the top shelf in the closet and rolled almost all of the clothes into a very large ball and tied them together with knots. She will be taking this apart when she gets home. Her dresser is empty except for one pair of PJ`s which she tied to the knob.
I just do not know how someone can make such a mess out of nothing.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Through Their Eyes
Another mom addressed the issue of what to call birth relatives and how do we include or exclude them in the lives of adopted kids.
1. Each kid is different and the situation of their lives is unique to that kid so the subject needs to be dealt with differently in each case.
2. No matter what you decide to do be consistent with it for that kid.
3. Be honest with the kid. This may be a really tough one since some of them have lived through some really really awful situations and being honest can hurt. If you are not honest and they eventually figure out that you were not then you will have another set of issues to deal with and this could have been avoided. The kid needs to know the positives that the birth family brought about as well. I find myself having to really do some searching to find positive things about some of these people but they are there if you look hard enough. Lauren has beautiful blonde hair, huge blue eyes and a body that most women could only wish for in their wildest dreams, her birth parents gave her those qualities and she knows that.
4. Think about where the kid is emotionally, intellectually, socially, and physically when talking to them about this. Only give them as much as they are asking for or are capable of handling. You can build on the information as they mature.
5. When they ask do not avoid the subject. If they are asking they want to know so talk to them about it. This is the one subject that Hanna ever wants to talk about with either her dad or I so we talk and talk and talk, hoping that at some point we will be able to get through her need to do this and become comfortable with herself and the situation she is living in now.
We have four adopted kids who all have different stories. We use there first names when talking about there families. We have only one kid (Allen) who has any contact with birth family. For him it has neither been a positive or negative, he just does not function at a level where he is able to be concerned about such things. For his birth family it has been a huge success in that they have us as a support and they clearly can see that this is where he belongs. It gives his birth mom a sense of peace so we continue the relationship for her. This is the only one that was a voluntary placement. For Lauren and Hanna, who can not have contact for safety reasons the fact that Allen does have it causes some issues. We are often reminding them why they can not have this sort of relationship. Lauren does understand the safety issue, but Hanna (who does remember) does not find anything that this family has done to be unsafe, she just can not accept the facts for what they are and if she had her way she would be living on the streets with them. She is not at a point where she is able to accept reality so for now this is difficult. We deal with this one step at a time.
Birth parents have and always will be a part of an adopted kid`s life as well as the lives of the adoptive family. There is just no getting around it, you do not have adopted kids without birth families. Make the situation as healthy as possible for the kids. It is not about you it is about the kids so keep thinking about how this looks through their eyes and do what is best for them.
1. Each kid is different and the situation of their lives is unique to that kid so the subject needs to be dealt with differently in each case.
2. No matter what you decide to do be consistent with it for that kid.
3. Be honest with the kid. This may be a really tough one since some of them have lived through some really really awful situations and being honest can hurt. If you are not honest and they eventually figure out that you were not then you will have another set of issues to deal with and this could have been avoided. The kid needs to know the positives that the birth family brought about as well. I find myself having to really do some searching to find positive things about some of these people but they are there if you look hard enough. Lauren has beautiful blonde hair, huge blue eyes and a body that most women could only wish for in their wildest dreams, her birth parents gave her those qualities and she knows that.
4. Think about where the kid is emotionally, intellectually, socially, and physically when talking to them about this. Only give them as much as they are asking for or are capable of handling. You can build on the information as they mature.
5. When they ask do not avoid the subject. If they are asking they want to know so talk to them about it. This is the one subject that Hanna ever wants to talk about with either her dad or I so we talk and talk and talk, hoping that at some point we will be able to get through her need to do this and become comfortable with herself and the situation she is living in now.
We have four adopted kids who all have different stories. We use there first names when talking about there families. We have only one kid (Allen) who has any contact with birth family. For him it has neither been a positive or negative, he just does not function at a level where he is able to be concerned about such things. For his birth family it has been a huge success in that they have us as a support and they clearly can see that this is where he belongs. It gives his birth mom a sense of peace so we continue the relationship for her. This is the only one that was a voluntary placement. For Lauren and Hanna, who can not have contact for safety reasons the fact that Allen does have it causes some issues. We are often reminding them why they can not have this sort of relationship. Lauren does understand the safety issue, but Hanna (who does remember) does not find anything that this family has done to be unsafe, she just can not accept the facts for what they are and if she had her way she would be living on the streets with them. She is not at a point where she is able to accept reality so for now this is difficult. We deal with this one step at a time.
Birth parents have and always will be a part of an adopted kid`s life as well as the lives of the adoptive family. There is just no getting around it, you do not have adopted kids without birth families. Make the situation as healthy as possible for the kids. It is not about you it is about the kids so keep thinking about how this looks through their eyes and do what is best for them.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Ernie And Bert
Paul with his car obsession has to name all of our vehicles . We have the Mommy car (mini van), the Daddy car (pick up truck), ete. The big van, the one that we use when we travel with all of the troops is the Ernie car and the trailer that we pull behind it to haul wheelchairs and all of the other stuff we might need is the Bert car.
According to Paul the Ernie car is a hooker car because it has a trailer hitch on it and the Bert car is a hooking car. Well this morning the "Ernie car is hooking all the way to Rene`s school".
Translation is that the Ernie car (the big van) in loaded with Rene`s stuff and the Bert car (the trailer) is hooked up behind it full of stuff as well. Rene` is moving out of the dorm and into her own apartment. I would say that I guess it is time for her to do that. She had her own room as a teenager, went into the Navy so she lived on a ship and in barracks, then moved home to share a room with one of her sisters, and then went to college and has been living in the dorm. She now got an apartment. Rene` does everything is order, one step at a time.
The Ernie car will be hooking with his friend Bert this weekend. No need to try and explain to Paul that he should find some different words to use here
According to Paul the Ernie car is a hooker car because it has a trailer hitch on it and the Bert car is a hooking car. Well this morning the "Ernie car is hooking all the way to Rene`s school".
Translation is that the Ernie car (the big van) in loaded with Rene`s stuff and the Bert car (the trailer) is hooked up behind it full of stuff as well. Rene` is moving out of the dorm and into her own apartment. I would say that I guess it is time for her to do that. She had her own room as a teenager, went into the Navy so she lived on a ship and in barracks, then moved home to share a room with one of her sisters, and then went to college and has been living in the dorm. She now got an apartment. Rene` does everything is order, one step at a time.
The Ernie car will be hooking with his friend Bert this weekend. No need to try and explain to Paul that he should find some different words to use here
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Hanna Being Hanna
This afternoon we had the third in a series of meetings to try and get some sort of services in place for Hanna. Dad and I were up against a very thick wall and it is going to take some heavy duty dynamite to get it moved.
Of course they had to ask Hanna for her totally worthless opinion. I am positive that she does not have a clue as to what we are talking about here.
SW, "Hanna what do you think that you might need help with"?
Hanna, " I don`t need any help cuz I can take care of myself".
SW, What kinds of things do your mom and dad help you with"?
Hanna, " They don`t help me with anything, they just have rules and make me stay in my room all night".
SW, Do you take a shower and get dressed by yourself"?
Hanna, "I don`t need showers and I can get dressed fine".
SW, "What do you cook for yourself or eat"?
Hanna, "I eat McDonald's".
SW, Where do you get money for that"?
Hanna, "I just take it".
This conversation went on and on and on. According to Hanna we are holding her hostage, making her follow rules that she does not need, and she does not want anyone to be there to keep her on task, dressed appropriately, safe, fed, housed, take her places, get her medical care, etc, etc. Her dad and I sat there and listened to this entire thing and then SW had the question of the day, the same one she had asked Paul when she was here previously.
SW, "Where did they come up with such a beautiful girl like you".
Dad gave to same answer he had given when she asked that question about Paul.
You get a pregnant chic, let her drink lots and lots of alcohol, and abuse the kid". That is a pretty sarcastic answer but it is entirely the truth as well.
Yes Hanna is beautiful, but behind all of what she presents to the world there is a little girl who has a great many issues and needs. It would be nice if they could just keep her out of the process here so we can get to what really needs to be done. Hanna was just being her very off the wall self today and if you would stick around here long enough you might have gotten to see her in action, because she is having one heck of a hissy fit right now. She does not want to get her hair cut. I guess I will take Paul and leave her here to do her thing. She will just have to look a bit shaggy for a few more days. Oh well Mom and Dad do not take care of her anyway at least that is the impression she tried to give.
Of course they had to ask Hanna for her totally worthless opinion. I am positive that she does not have a clue as to what we are talking about here.
SW, "Hanna what do you think that you might need help with"?
Hanna, " I don`t need any help cuz I can take care of myself".
SW, What kinds of things do your mom and dad help you with"?
Hanna, " They don`t help me with anything, they just have rules and make me stay in my room all night".
SW, Do you take a shower and get dressed by yourself"?
Hanna, "I don`t need showers and I can get dressed fine".
SW, "What do you cook for yourself or eat"?
Hanna, "I eat McDonald's".
SW, Where do you get money for that"?
Hanna, "I just take it".
This conversation went on and on and on. According to Hanna we are holding her hostage, making her follow rules that she does not need, and she does not want anyone to be there to keep her on task, dressed appropriately, safe, fed, housed, take her places, get her medical care, etc, etc. Her dad and I sat there and listened to this entire thing and then SW had the question of the day, the same one she had asked Paul when she was here previously.
SW, "Where did they come up with such a beautiful girl like you".
Dad gave to same answer he had given when she asked that question about Paul.
You get a pregnant chic, let her drink lots and lots of alcohol, and abuse the kid". That is a pretty sarcastic answer but it is entirely the truth as well.
Yes Hanna is beautiful, but behind all of what she presents to the world there is a little girl who has a great many issues and needs. It would be nice if they could just keep her out of the process here so we can get to what really needs to be done. Hanna was just being her very off the wall self today and if you would stick around here long enough you might have gotten to see her in action, because she is having one heck of a hissy fit right now. She does not want to get her hair cut. I guess I will take Paul and leave her here to do her thing. She will just have to look a bit shaggy for a few more days. Oh well Mom and Dad do not take care of her anyway at least that is the impression she tried to give.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
A Wild Ride
This week it has really been a very wild ride around here.
Monday I spent the day working with Lauren and a therapist on communication and communication devices. There is just so much technology out there and it is amazing to give her the opportunity to use it, but getting everything set up for her is so time consuming.
Tuesday Lauren got braces on her teeth. She did well with that. I am certain that this braces thing will go much better for her then it is with her sister. You can talk Lauren through things and she is able to remember what is required and follow through. Hanna had made a pretty big mess in her mouth so she had to be sedated to get things back on track. We also decided that this summer she will have the first of (I don`t know how many?) surgeries on her mouth. This does not sound like it is going to be a pleasant adventure at all. Hanna has a lot of oral sensory issues and adding pain is only going to make things worse. We just have to get her mouth fixed even if she can not cooperate.
Today I was supposed to take Paul back to the university to check on how his eyes are doing (they are doing great as far as we can tell) but, there is always a but, Paul was up all night throwing up every fifteen to twenty minutes. It was a mess. I was up cleaning him myself, and everything that got in his path up and rocking him for four hours and then Dad took over so I could get three hours sleep. He finally fell asleep at 9:30 this morning. It would be nice if the hyper kid could figure out that when you are sick you need to turn off the hyper button and sit down for a while. The whole time he was throwing up his temperature never got higher then 99 degrees, so I am not sure what this was all about. I had to reschedule his appointment.
I do believe that that rest of the week will be smooth sailing, even with a meeting tomorrow that has the very real potential for being rather explosive.
Monday I spent the day working with Lauren and a therapist on communication and communication devices. There is just so much technology out there and it is amazing to give her the opportunity to use it, but getting everything set up for her is so time consuming.
Tuesday Lauren got braces on her teeth. She did well with that. I am certain that this braces thing will go much better for her then it is with her sister. You can talk Lauren through things and she is able to remember what is required and follow through. Hanna had made a pretty big mess in her mouth so she had to be sedated to get things back on track. We also decided that this summer she will have the first of (I don`t know how many?) surgeries on her mouth. This does not sound like it is going to be a pleasant adventure at all. Hanna has a lot of oral sensory issues and adding pain is only going to make things worse. We just have to get her mouth fixed even if she can not cooperate.
Today I was supposed to take Paul back to the university to check on how his eyes are doing (they are doing great as far as we can tell) but, there is always a but, Paul was up all night throwing up every fifteen to twenty minutes. It was a mess. I was up cleaning him myself, and everything that got in his path up and rocking him for four hours and then Dad took over so I could get three hours sleep. He finally fell asleep at 9:30 this morning. It would be nice if the hyper kid could figure out that when you are sick you need to turn off the hyper button and sit down for a while. The whole time he was throwing up his temperature never got higher then 99 degrees, so I am not sure what this was all about. I had to reschedule his appointment.
I do believe that that rest of the week will be smooth sailing, even with a meeting tomorrow that has the very real potential for being rather explosive.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Drama Free Sunday
We were out of the house by 7:15 am yesterday. We went to church and did not have to take anyone out during the service, way to go Allen and Paul. They usually do much better at this when Hanna is not there to upset the apple cart. We spent the rest of the day visiting with lots of relatives. Paul played with the little kids and came back to his older siblings to talk and get hugs every once in a while. He is always thrilled when Rene` and Trevor are around and they had driven down to spend the day too. Allen occupied one of the swings all afternoon so we did not have to go looking for him at all. The only time he stopped swinging was when we told him he needed to come and eat. We got to ride both there and back without any screaming, kicking, and just being rude in the van. They put a movie on for the drive up and Karre, Allen, and Paul all fell asleep on the way home. It was a great stress free day, thanks a lot for supervising at home for us Angie!!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Today`s Tasks
Today I am going to the first transition meeting at Paul`s school. We will see who they think should be his teacher. I am pretty much open to any of the options. I am not going to go along with the idea of him being in a mainstream classroom all day without a 1-1. That would be a disaster and I am not going to go there. Now he is in a classroom where there are 3 adults to 8 kids and there are therapists who are working with the kids 1-1 so there is plenty of structure. When there is a teacher trying to teach 20 or more kids and deal with his very short attention span, impulsiveness, vision disorder, and sensory issues it will not work. Hopefully everyone will be on the same page with this issue and it will not take long to get it right. I have to have confidence in that being the case.
Before I even get to that I have to do some (okay a lot) of rearranging of the PCA schedule as we need to go to a First Communion, which is out of town. It is a family thing since the kid is Dad`s Godchild we need to be there. We have to hopefully get one of our PCA`s who is not a family member to spend their Sunday with so much fun, Hanna. This is why PCA`s are worth far more then they could ever be paid. There are not many people out there who can do this job well. Hanna has been just awful lately so we do not want to take her along at all. Since her PCA hours have been cut dramatically we have to schedule someone for fifteen hours to be here at home with her. Using all of those hours for that one day means that Mom and Dad will get to pretty much deal with her for the next week. With all of the appointments and meetings scheduled this will require that Dad take two afternoons off from work which really messes life up. Lets just say that if he is not at work we have no income for that time, yeah we need $$$ to put food on the table and pay the bills. This is all getting to be to much to deal with.
All the while we are struggling with this we can not in anyway let Hanna think that she is making things difficult for the family or that she is frustrating the heck out of her parents because then she really puts the nasty behavior into high gear. Some how she then feels like she has won.
Before I even get to that I have to do some (okay a lot) of rearranging of the PCA schedule as we need to go to a First Communion, which is out of town. It is a family thing since the kid is Dad`s Godchild we need to be there. We have to hopefully get one of our PCA`s who is not a family member to spend their Sunday with so much fun, Hanna. This is why PCA`s are worth far more then they could ever be paid. There are not many people out there who can do this job well. Hanna has been just awful lately so we do not want to take her along at all. Since her PCA hours have been cut dramatically we have to schedule someone for fifteen hours to be here at home with her. Using all of those hours for that one day means that Mom and Dad will get to pretty much deal with her for the next week. With all of the appointments and meetings scheduled this will require that Dad take two afternoons off from work which really messes life up. Lets just say that if he is not at work we have no income for that time, yeah we need $$$ to put food on the table and pay the bills. This is all getting to be to much to deal with.
All the while we are struggling with this we can not in anyway let Hanna think that she is making things difficult for the family or that she is frustrating the heck out of her parents because then she really puts the nasty behavior into high gear. Some how she then feels like she has won.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Just Thinking
This afternoon I have been trying to figure something out because I am the sort of person who tries to figure things out and then fix them if I can. What I was thinking is this, how is it that you have a kid who has obvious FAS so she is impulsive, has memory loss issues, is extremely concrete, and all of the rest that goes along with FAS. She is actually a really great kid to parent for just over two years, even with these issues to deal with every day. We did not have a rage/meltdown issue, we had a kid who really was living up to her full potentual and then BAM everything goes completely nuts, it seems over night that kid is gone and we are left with a rotten banana.
Yes you could say that puberty went over like a lead balloon and that would be putting things politely, but all girls do not do this.
You might chalk it up to being a teenager, but this kid will not even be thirteen until July.
You might think that we changed the way we parent, but that is not it. We have been parenting this way for twenty-four years with adopted kids, birth kids, and foster kids. We have not changed things much here because what we have been doing seems to be working for the most part. Of course we have made some mistakes along the way, everyone does. Society generally finds our kids to be respectful, responsible, caring, hard working, honest, and just all around good kids.
If it is not any of those things is it simply that this kid finally, after two years got comfortable enough in our family that she could express her anger all be it at the wrong people, If this is the situation I sure wish she would just spend the next weeks yelling at us,(hey we can find some ear plugs) and get it over with so she can go back to being the sweetheart that is there somewhere.
Maybe it is all of this put together. I do know that the combination of FAS and attachment issues is VERY difficult to deal with. Trying to get some very abstract ideas through to someone who is so concrete that she literally acts just like Amelia Bedelia in the silly little kid books. No kidding if you told her she needed to "turn over a leaf in her life" she would actually go outside, find a leaf and turn it over. That is just how concrete she is.
I know that the "experts" have not figured this out yet, but maybe parents who know more about attachment issues then I do might have it figured out. I have done a fair amount of research on the subject, but when I was in college majoring in psychology and social work we really did not get into this area to much. I hope today somebody is trying to get a handle on this.
Yes you could say that puberty went over like a lead balloon and that would be putting things politely, but all girls do not do this.
You might chalk it up to being a teenager, but this kid will not even be thirteen until July.
You might think that we changed the way we parent, but that is not it. We have been parenting this way for twenty-four years with adopted kids, birth kids, and foster kids. We have not changed things much here because what we have been doing seems to be working for the most part. Of course we have made some mistakes along the way, everyone does. Society generally finds our kids to be respectful, responsible, caring, hard working, honest, and just all around good kids.
If it is not any of those things is it simply that this kid finally, after two years got comfortable enough in our family that she could express her anger all be it at the wrong people, If this is the situation I sure wish she would just spend the next weeks yelling at us,(hey we can find some ear plugs) and get it over with so she can go back to being the sweetheart that is there somewhere.
Maybe it is all of this put together. I do know that the combination of FAS and attachment issues is VERY difficult to deal with. Trying to get some very abstract ideas through to someone who is so concrete that she literally acts just like Amelia Bedelia in the silly little kid books. No kidding if you told her she needed to "turn over a leaf in her life" she would actually go outside, find a leaf and turn it over. That is just how concrete she is.
I know that the "experts" have not figured this out yet, but maybe parents who know more about attachment issues then I do might have it figured out. I have done a fair amount of research on the subject, but when I was in college majoring in psychology and social work we really did not get into this area to much. I hope today somebody is trying to get a handle on this.
Raining Tears
A gentle, cool rain is falling outside this morning. It is raining inside as well. The tears are many.
They are tears ...
of frustration at knowing what is wrong, yet no one else out there seems to understand nor believe that such things are happening.
of sadness that everyone in our family is being affected by this.
of exhaustion at trying to get this kid to understand that this family is trying to help, not hurt. Just how do you get her understand that.
of remembrance of the happy, impulsive, try anything, I want to help, creative, little girl who we brought into our family.
There are tears this morning, yet it is calm here at least for now and so there are also tears in thanksgiving for a few minutes of peace.
They are tears ...
of frustration at knowing what is wrong, yet no one else out there seems to understand nor believe that such things are happening.
of sadness that everyone in our family is being affected by this.
of exhaustion at trying to get this kid to understand that this family is trying to help, not hurt. Just how do you get her understand that.
of remembrance of the happy, impulsive, try anything, I want to help, creative, little girl who we brought into our family.
There are tears this morning, yet it is calm here at least for now and so there are also tears in thanksgiving for a few minutes of peace.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Finally
It has been a lovely afternoon here, just lovely. Hanna got caught stealing by her dad, with the chocolate evidence in her mouth. Let me say that that guy is more patient that I could ever dream of being. He has always acknowledged her issues, but being the easy going guy he is he just says " oh well that is just Hanna" and lets it go at that. I have for the most part been the one who she has been taking her anger out on and to be honest it makes me kind of crazy. I do understand that I am the mom that she does not want and since she never knew her dad he is not the problem in her mind. I am sorry that she went through all of the just awful, very unacceptable, unthinkable things that she did, but hey, it was not me who was hurting her and I only want to love and protect this little girl.
Dad discovered that 95% of the Easter candy that was on the top shelf of his closet was missing and when he went to put his sneakers in the closet Hanna was in our closet eating candy and the way she has messed with her braces she is not allowed to be eating any such things right now. It was not only that he caught her in the act, then he asks her what the heck she thinks she is doing and she lies to him.
She was in our room/closet without permission
She was stealing
She lied.
Like how on earth do you think you are going to get away with this one kid? The crying, screaming fit that followed is certainly not helping your cause. The running away, under the van is not doing any good either, and the I am leaving because I can take care of myself went a long way until you wanted me to make your school lunch for tomorrow, you needed me to brush and floss your teeth, and you wanted to watch TV.
Honestly I am thrilled that Dad caught her for once it is not mean old mom picking on her. The Dad is now in complete agreement that our county had better HELP us or they are going to be dealing with this kid. We have another meeting next week and I have requested that the supervisor be present.
It is not the fact that she stole candy, got caught, and lied because this really is small in comparison to some of the things she has done. It is that she does the same things on a daily basis, is and has never been sorry for anything she does, and the fact that she absolutely could care less about anyone else in this family. She is on an island by herself and she will do whatever she needs to to survive. The kid is just so messed up that we do not even know where to begin to help her especially when the powers to be think she is adorable, wonderful, and oh so sweet.
What a mess!! I want my little girl back. NOW!
Dad discovered that 95% of the Easter candy that was on the top shelf of his closet was missing and when he went to put his sneakers in the closet Hanna was in our closet eating candy and the way she has messed with her braces she is not allowed to be eating any such things right now. It was not only that he caught her in the act, then he asks her what the heck she thinks she is doing and she lies to him.
She was in our room/closet without permission
She was stealing
She lied.
Like how on earth do you think you are going to get away with this one kid? The crying, screaming fit that followed is certainly not helping your cause. The running away, under the van is not doing any good either, and the I am leaving because I can take care of myself went a long way until you wanted me to make your school lunch for tomorrow, you needed me to brush and floss your teeth, and you wanted to watch TV.
Honestly I am thrilled that Dad caught her for once it is not mean old mom picking on her. The Dad is now in complete agreement that our county had better HELP us or they are going to be dealing with this kid. We have another meeting next week and I have requested that the supervisor be present.
It is not the fact that she stole candy, got caught, and lied because this really is small in comparison to some of the things she has done. It is that she does the same things on a daily basis, is and has never been sorry for anything she does, and the fact that she absolutely could care less about anyone else in this family. She is on an island by herself and she will do whatever she needs to to survive. The kid is just so messed up that we do not even know where to begin to help her especially when the powers to be think she is adorable, wonderful, and oh so sweet.
What a mess!! I want my little girl back. NOW!
What A Waste
I just spent three and a half hours wasting my time and state tax dollars. A new law says that the state has to send a nurse/ case manager out here to help me write my kids case plans for service. I have been writing these plans for years and years. My kids all have social workers and public health nurses to help me manage their cases. This morning we did four case plans for four different kids and we changed TWO WORDS in one of the plans, yeah just two words! The Chic's printer would not work so she could not print out the plans and by the time we had gotten to the third case her computer had run out of power (lucky for her I had a power cord) Was it worth the state money spent? Not at all! Was it worth wasting my time for? Are you kidding me, I have a schedule that is absolutely stuffed to the max and sure could have found better things to do with my time.
The crazy thing is that we have to do this TWO times a year!!! I can hardly wait for the next go round when there is nothing to change in the plans...
The crazy thing is that we have to do this TWO times a year!!! I can hardly wait for the next go round when there is nothing to change in the plans...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Sigh
There is one huge sigh of relief at our house. Lauren`s service plan will stay just as it had been written. That is one out of four kids who I do not have to argue with the state about. What a relief this is!!!
Staying Home
It is Tuesday and guess what I do not have to go anywhere today, that has not happened for several weeks now. The down side is that the meeting is coming to my house. Yeah I have another meeting today. It is Lauren`s six month review for CADI services. That usually is no big deal as her disabilities qualify her for what she needs. Sometimes we have to jump through a few hoops and do some juggling to get what she needs but it does happen. Now that all services around here are being slashed and eliminated I do worry a bit about that having its affects on Lauren as well. I cross my fingers, say my prayers, and just hope for the best here. I don`t think we can handle any more cuts in services right now. We have not figured out what to do about the last round of cuts yet. It is just another day another meeting, nothing new.
Oops! I just looked at the calendar and there is an adoption support group meeting tonight, yeah I guess I will be going some place today after all.
Oops! I just looked at the calendar and there is an adoption support group meeting tonight, yeah I guess I will be going some place today after all.
Monday, April 12, 2010
You Lose Kid
Yesterday afternoon was one of those with a kid who has attachment issues that everyone would rather forget. Dad and Karre were going to take the kids, the dog, and the bikes out of here so I could fold laundry, sort out the over flowing basket of unmatched socks, put clothes in there bins so they could choose what they wanted to wear for the week, go through backpacks, etc, etc.
Hanna did not have underwear, a bra, socks, or shoes on, she had not brushed her hair, nor put deodorant on either. I told her to put a bra, underwear, and shoes on. I figured that she could go without socks, brushing her hair and deodorant and everyone would be okay with that. We have a rule with her that she must wear underclothing when going anywhere and there are no exceptions because if you make an exception once then that opens up a greater issue for later. Hanna goes to her room and strips and then refuses to put anything on. That leads to everyone else going to the park and me sitting in the hall in front of her room making sure that she does not leave the house. She thought she was really getting to me but I turned the baseball game on the radio and had to turn it up in order to hear it over her screaming. She does not understand baseball and it made her crazy to see that I was not getting upset by her behavior.
When everyone got home Hanna decided to put pants and a t-shirt on because you would not want to miss dinner of course. While we ate and talked at the table Paul told me that he had gotten ice cream as if I had not already figured that out by the strawberry stuff all over his shirt and jeans. Just because he said something (Hanna would have never paid close enough attention to notice otherwise), she went nuts because she did not get ice cream, well do ya think you should have put some clothes on and gone with them or what kid?
I did not get the things done that I had planned to, but I got to listen to the ball game and I did not let the crazy kid get to me. so it was an okay afternoon anyway.
Now I have to finish the things that I was going to do yesterday and then I have to take Lauren for a communication assessment. That is not difficult, but it is time consuming.
Hanna did not have underwear, a bra, socks, or shoes on, she had not brushed her hair, nor put deodorant on either. I told her to put a bra, underwear, and shoes on. I figured that she could go without socks, brushing her hair and deodorant and everyone would be okay with that. We have a rule with her that she must wear underclothing when going anywhere and there are no exceptions because if you make an exception once then that opens up a greater issue for later. Hanna goes to her room and strips and then refuses to put anything on. That leads to everyone else going to the park and me sitting in the hall in front of her room making sure that she does not leave the house. She thought she was really getting to me but I turned the baseball game on the radio and had to turn it up in order to hear it over her screaming. She does not understand baseball and it made her crazy to see that I was not getting upset by her behavior.
When everyone got home Hanna decided to put pants and a t-shirt on because you would not want to miss dinner of course. While we ate and talked at the table Paul told me that he had gotten ice cream as if I had not already figured that out by the strawberry stuff all over his shirt and jeans. Just because he said something (Hanna would have never paid close enough attention to notice otherwise), she went nuts because she did not get ice cream, well do ya think you should have put some clothes on and gone with them or what kid?
I did not get the things done that I had planned to, but I got to listen to the ball game and I did not let the crazy kid get to me. so it was an okay afternoon anyway.
Now I have to finish the things that I was going to do yesterday and then I have to take Lauren for a communication assessment. That is not difficult, but it is time consuming.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Dress Shopping
I have had Paul with me constantly since Tuesday afternoon so today Dad is going to hold down the fort here at home while I go prom dress shopping with Karre and her friends. This will be interesting since these girls are very creative. Karre in interested in design and knows a lot more about this stuff then I do. One of her friends wants to be an illustrator and can draw all of this fashion stuff so when the two of them get talking I am pretty much out of the loop. They asked me to go along with them and I think that is awesome, most seventeen year old girls do not do that. No, they do not want my credit card. Karre has to pay for her own dress with her own money.
We will stop and pick up milk and bread on the way home. I think we are going to be lazy and have take out pizza for dinner tonight. We are slowing down for the weekend to regroup as the schedule gets crazy again on Monday.
We will stop and pick up milk and bread on the way home. I think we are going to be lazy and have take out pizza for dinner tonight. We are slowing down for the weekend to regroup as the schedule gets crazy again on Monday.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Mr. Adorable
Dr. "hey Paul can I fix your eyes today"?
Paul after thinking for a minute or two "okay, just don`t break them".
I was under the impression that they were just a little bit broken already otherwise we would not be there, I would not have filled out more forms then a person can keep track of, and answered the same questions over many times.
One of the nurses, who by the way looked like she was about fourteen, called Paul Mr. Adorable.
Paul gave her a wide eyed look and said," I not Mr. Do-able, I Paul" for the rest of the time we were at the hospital everyone was calling him Mr. Adorable.
Ms Nurse asked him if he wanted to put on some of there blue PJ's and of course he did not because he already had on the ones he had worn from home, no way did he want to take them off. He most certainly did not want to part with his Tow- Mater underwear cuz Mater is a tuck (truck) well now everyone figured out that he is totally obsessed with anything that has wheels and a motor so they talked him into the blue PJ's by putting car and truck stickers all over them. He did not give up his Tow-Mater underwear though they were going to have to get them off when he was asleep.
The next thing after getting the vitals a half dozen times and giving him some medication to send him to la-la land was going to be to get him off mom`s lap and onto the bed. One of the nurses suggested that the bed was a car since it has wheels, but he was still having nothing to do with getting off mom`s lap so they decided that Mom needed to dress from head to toe in the gorgeous, blue, paper clothes and take a ride with him on that car to the operating room.
Surgery went fine, and then trying to keep him calm while we waited and waited and waited to see if he was going to have a seizure was exhausting, but there were no seizures so it all ended well. We finally got to go home and they gave him a balloon. He has been really, really quiet today. This is the kid who never sits still or stops talking so while he rested in the big blue chair I was able to go through the mail that had been piled up here for the last three days.
Mr. Adorable did a super terrific job of handling all of this. He has no fear of being abandoned, has clear boundaries, and is not anxious about anything. He was appropriate with expressing his desires and as long as everything went one step at a time, with clear simple directions he could handle it. He is hyperactive, a concrete, thinker, and impulsive but we can work with that because he is attached without question. It also helped that the staff at this major medical center has had extensive training in working with kids who have special needs. They were very good about asking what was going to work best for Paul, they listened and followed through with the suggestions, and they were flexible enough to make accommodations where they were needed.
Paul after thinking for a minute or two "okay, just don`t break them".
I was under the impression that they were just a little bit broken already otherwise we would not be there, I would not have filled out more forms then a person can keep track of, and answered the same questions over many times.
One of the nurses, who by the way looked like she was about fourteen, called Paul Mr. Adorable.
Paul gave her a wide eyed look and said," I not Mr. Do-able, I Paul" for the rest of the time we were at the hospital everyone was calling him Mr. Adorable.
Ms Nurse asked him if he wanted to put on some of there blue PJ's and of course he did not because he already had on the ones he had worn from home, no way did he want to take them off. He most certainly did not want to part with his Tow- Mater underwear cuz Mater is a tuck (truck) well now everyone figured out that he is totally obsessed with anything that has wheels and a motor so they talked him into the blue PJ's by putting car and truck stickers all over them. He did not give up his Tow-Mater underwear though they were going to have to get them off when he was asleep.
The next thing after getting the vitals a half dozen times and giving him some medication to send him to la-la land was going to be to get him off mom`s lap and onto the bed. One of the nurses suggested that the bed was a car since it has wheels, but he was still having nothing to do with getting off mom`s lap so they decided that Mom needed to dress from head to toe in the gorgeous, blue, paper clothes and take a ride with him on that car to the operating room.
Surgery went fine, and then trying to keep him calm while we waited and waited and waited to see if he was going to have a seizure was exhausting, but there were no seizures so it all ended well. We finally got to go home and they gave him a balloon. He has been really, really quiet today. This is the kid who never sits still or stops talking so while he rested in the big blue chair I was able to go through the mail that had been piled up here for the last three days.
Mr. Adorable did a super terrific job of handling all of this. He has no fear of being abandoned, has clear boundaries, and is not anxious about anything. He was appropriate with expressing his desires and as long as everything went one step at a time, with clear simple directions he could handle it. He is hyperactive, a concrete, thinker, and impulsive but we can work with that because he is attached without question. It also helped that the staff at this major medical center has had extensive training in working with kids who have special needs. They were very good about asking what was going to work best for Paul, they listened and followed through with the suggestions, and they were flexible enough to make accommodations where they were needed.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Still Running
We celebrated the Easter weekend with family. Saturday we went to meet the new baby and the kids hung out with the cousins. Paul was trying to ask his cousin who is four and a half if he could barrow her pink Barbie car and she kept telling him he needed to buy it. We had church, dinner, and eggs for Easter Sunday. The weather was great so we did get to go outside for a few hours.
There is not much time for blogging as I am still running like crazy here. I got several appointments done last week. The rest of this week will be taken up with Paul having eye muscle surgery. It is supposed to be a one day thing, however with his history of having seizures it will be much more then that. The end results will make the crazy days worth it. There are three things we are trying to accomplish with this surgery. 1. Straighten the muscles of one eye so that they are lined up with the better one in order to reduce the issues he has with depth perception, 2. give him more equal acuity in both eyes, and 3 make then look better since the weaker eye will not always be looking down. I hope that we can accomplish all three of these things, getting any one of them done will be a success.
There is just a little more then three weeks left in the month of beyond chaos and then we can go back to our regular chaos
There is not much time for blogging as I am still running like crazy here. I got several appointments done last week. The rest of this week will be taken up with Paul having eye muscle surgery. It is supposed to be a one day thing, however with his history of having seizures it will be much more then that. The end results will make the crazy days worth it. There are three things we are trying to accomplish with this surgery. 1. Straighten the muscles of one eye so that they are lined up with the better one in order to reduce the issues he has with depth perception, 2. give him more equal acuity in both eyes, and 3 make then look better since the weaker eye will not always be looking down. I hope that we can accomplish all three of these things, getting any one of them done will be a success.
There is just a little more then three weeks left in the month of beyond chaos and then we can go back to our regular chaos
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I Am Happy
I am happy this day is just about over. I had to take Hanna for a consultation with a Pediatric Gynecologist (I never knew there was such an occupation) until we began dealing with massive "girl issues". She agrees with the other two doctors we have been working with for almost three years now trying to get this mess straightened out so the filling out of more forms, sitting around waiting, and answering the ninety-seven questions for the hundredth time was well worth the effort. We are on a roll here, thank goodness there are actually people out there who understand some of the complex issues of our Hanna!!
I only got two calls from the school while I was trying to answer all of the Hanna questions. Lauren had been scratching at her eye and wouldn't you know, it got a bit irritated when they had her go swimming this morning. Kid, could you just keep your fingers away from your eyes, at least for today. Trying to get it through to the school nurse that I was two hours away from home and could not just come get her was not working. Karre had driven Jared`s little car (Scion) to school because we had taken the wheelchair accessible van. I had to get Karre out of class and have her take Lauren home and then go back to class. She had parked up the hill and so she had to walk and get the car and drive up to get Lauren. I had her leave Lauren`s wheelchair at school and we had to go get it when we got back to town. She did not get time for lunch and was late for English which will require another note, luckily the teacher is the mother of one of Karre`s best friends so she understands how things work around here. The PCA who was here with Paul had taken him to the park so they had to hurry back so Karre could go to school. All of this for something that could have waited until the end of the school day.
The marathon is off to a great start!
I only got two calls from the school while I was trying to answer all of the Hanna questions. Lauren had been scratching at her eye and wouldn't you know, it got a bit irritated when they had her go swimming this morning. Kid, could you just keep your fingers away from your eyes, at least for today. Trying to get it through to the school nurse that I was two hours away from home and could not just come get her was not working. Karre had driven Jared`s little car (Scion) to school because we had taken the wheelchair accessible van. I had to get Karre out of class and have her take Lauren home and then go back to class. She had parked up the hill and so she had to walk and get the car and drive up to get Lauren. I had her leave Lauren`s wheelchair at school and we had to go get it when we got back to town. She did not get time for lunch and was late for English which will require another note, luckily the teacher is the mother of one of Karre`s best friends so she understands how things work around here. The PCA who was here with Paul had taken him to the park so they had to hurry back so Karre could go to school. All of this for something that could have waited until the end of the school day.
The marathon is off to a great start!
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